when someone's hello blends in with someone's sigh

Okay, I've had it with Blogger and am moving to a new homesweethome.

Follow me, if you please! :)

Wanna Be Your Love, Wanna Be Your Love For Real

Rachael Yamagata is truly unhealthy for heartbroken people. Her songs were so hauntingly true of heartbreak, and I actually teared quite a few times while singing along to her and her smoky vocals. Ooh but I must say, her drummer is really quite dapper :)

The beauty of love songs, to me, is how they capture in words (and melody) the exact way you feel in a particular moment of your life. I know it sounds cliche, but to me it's very, very true.

Altogether, a great concert. Not to mention the great big surprise that came at the end of the concert that made me tear again ... *wink* It's nice to have you home. Really nice.

Ok, time for bed. Enough living, feeling, being, for one day.
What can I say.


"Everything is falling and I am included in that
Oh how I try, to be just okay"
- Rachael Yamagata, Be Be Your Love

Cupid's Chokehold

I thought supper wouldn't be stressful. I was wrong.

Okay, but nonetheless, I choked myself full of junk food - bak chor mee for dinner, belgian chocolate latte, orh lua and beef hor fun for supper. And I'm glad I got to see Dave again after so long. :)

Now I'm craving Rochor's bean curd and you tiao. And tonight's Rachael Yamagata. And right now I'm sitting in the SOA Conference Hall, watching Ren, Kai, Mark Cheng and Wenduan present! Woohoo! GO GUYS! :)

Blitzkrieg on Home Turf.

I am inspired by Selma Blair. She's got great sartorial sense, looks like a beautifully sensual pixie, and dares to have a short crop (snipped it all off into an asymmetrical punk cut for the March issue of Vogue).

Tonight's coffee + supper will be a welcomed respite from the thoughts that have crowded my head the past two days. I was feeling so restless today, and actually ventured out - for the first time in very long - to have laksa at East Coast road, with my mum. Hehe. It was good. I wolfed the bowl down. YUM. :)

The sadness lingers, though. Goodness. But life goes on, doesn't it.

The goodness in this world that is mozzarella cheese

Tonight Ritz's dance concert at NUS brought several unexpected meetings. We met Sharon (Lin Shiwei!) our old Secondary school clique-mate. And we saw Ma Yanling and Candy of Ye Olde Dunman High Days performing. NUS Dance Ensemble is pretty solid, by the way. The host was cute, but his hair was just... distracting, to say the least. Haha. Joycey will know what I mean.

After a fulfilling dinner and post-dinner at Spizza and Coffee Club, we sent Rita back and went on our way. In a moment of spontaneity, partly thanks to the dance-y club music playing on Joycey's car stereo, we veered off the ECP/AYE on our usual way home, and went to Vivocity. We intended to either a) catch 300 the movie, or b) go to St. James and listen to dance-y music.

Feeling full of bravado, we traipsed into Vivocity, only to find GV closed :(. Then I realized I needed cash, and we spent the next 15 minutes navigating the realms of Vivocity to locate the single POSB atm. We didn't find it in the end, by the way (shame on you, Vivo! What happened to the funds access step of the Consumer Behavior Sequence Model, huh huh huh)... and then we trudged down to St. James.

Walking to the Powerhouse, we entered to find it ... empty. Like, save for a table of rowdy office workers, it was like a sad 80's joint in Selegie or something. It was just sad. After sharing 1-for-1 Coke (Joycey - driving; me - teetotaller), we left the place.

But nonetheless, kudos to you and me, Joycey, for taking the detour to more possibilities. Even though the night wasn't as happening as we'd like it to be, we still tried to break our routine Thursday nights. And that was what mattered, eh? :) Plus, we both dressed up tonight. Heehee.

'Cept now it's back to an empty room, a quiet house, and a head full of memories. La dee da.

And as I sit here, sobered from our conversation earlier, about the future, I am trying to chart the path that lies ahead of me. The thing is, I don't even know if it can be charted. How do you get over someone? I just know what, in a hypothetical situation, would be the right thing for 'me' to do.

And that would be to stop. Stop fearing. Stop fearing the path that runs indefinitely without you. Stop fearing I will regret my decisions. Stop fearing I won't be strong enough to make it through. Stop fearing I will be damaged at the end of it, irrevocably missing a corner somewhere.

It's clear; I don't want to get over you. How could I. But I think that even if I don't totally get over you (because who can totally control these things called feelings), I have to try. I have to at least, try. So I know I can at least prove that to myself.

My brain is swimming, and it feels so full I can't focus my thoughts properly.

And today, as I sat there transparent as rice paper, brimming with hope, in the end I felt silly and pathetic. Wondering if you saw right through me in the end. I still don't know if I made any mistakes today. I still don't know. I'd like to think I didn't. Oh god.

The future is so grey, and so very, very ungraspable. And until I can live with that uncertainty, I don't think I can move on.

I'm sleepy. Shower, and then sleep. Yeah.

Okay I know I haven't posted pictures in damn long. Or at least it feels like it.

The Little Blue Bag of My Things.

Yesterday's massage was more painful than pain relief. My shoulder, neck and back muscles were ALL knotted up and tense, so when the masseuse dug her elbows and hands into the muscles to loosen them up, my eyeballs almost popped out from the pain. But thankfully after the experience, my shoulders/neck feel looser, though there is an overused-muscle-type ache left over.

I think I shall go for massages more regularly. Like, once every 2 months, just to treat myself. 'Sides, I get stiff shoulders way too often, and massages kill two birds with one stone - good 'love-me' time, and good for my health as well.

I rushed home to complete my CB report part, and then devoured three episodes of SATC Season 4. I watched the ep where Carrie started missing Aidan and wanting him back but he just couldn't forgive her, and it just affected me so much I didn't sleep well all night. Oh well. Heh.

I really like the character, Carrie. She's sort of like me in the aspects of being emotional, loving to think about emotions and things and people, and asking questions. Also, the appeal of Mr. Big. oooh. Heh. Falling for what's not necessarily good for you.

Aye. Cool, calm and uncollected. I'm a balance of contradictions right now.

"and it'll be just as quiet when I leave
as it was when I first got here"
- Quiet, Rachael Yamagata

Knead Those Blues Away

'Kay, that's it. It's time for some pain relief.

A 60 minute shoulder/neck/back massage is due, after class today. I made the appointment, and resolutely set aside the $68 mentally for it. I cannot take aching/hurting every waking minute with every move I make anymore. And I decided to get off my ass and just treat Zee a bit better. But of course, after I am done with it, I'll need to rush home and complete my work for tomorrow's meeting.

Dave's coming back to Singapore this weekend, and I think that'll constitute the only social activity I'll have time for - aside from the Rachael Yamagata concert on Sat night. :) Can't wait to see him again! It'll be so great to hang. Guys, let's go to Barstop :)

Zoyces says 'wo zhang da le'. Haha. Less drama, more level-headed thinking, she says. And so did Ivy. Which is nice to hear, really, from two of my closest and longest friends. I think so too, babes. As much as it may suck sometimes, I still feel good about this somewhat. This period of growth and change.

Honestly, what can be better than settling in for a night of Sex and the City reruns?


:)

Contusion Confusion

Remnants of feeling foolish.

Okay I've spent a whirlwind day absorbed in project work - had a 3 hour project meeting in the morning, then spent the afternoon working on the Corp Reputation first draft. I really put my ass into researching and structuring it, just hope the rest think it's good enough.

Now I'm supposed to study finance for tomorrow's class, and to make up for last week's class which I missed 'cos I was sick. But I have no idea what was taught, or where he stopped. And anyway I'm feeling so drained from working on the laptop all day.

I feel like going to Hong Kong Cafe. But Joycey is busy tonight, and I don't quite know who else would be willing to have supper in the East. Hah.

My neck and shoulder have been aching/hurting since I got up this morning, and it is Le Annoying! Really really getting on my nerves, it is. I just want it to stop, but no matter how much stretching I do, it is still there. And I have no time to take a nap. Raaarh.

I guess you have good days, and then you have not-so-good days. Days when you think, and days when you question yourself. Today's one of those days man. Where am I going? Am I setting myself up for more pain? I really can't say.

I want to... but.

Oh goodness. Sometimes you do things that you don't have any idea why you did, and you start to panic a little. Did I do the wrong thing? I have this little niggling voice inside.

We celebrated Yang's birthday (belated!) today, and I had a very good time with Mon and Yang. Our usual haunt- Crystal Jade LMXLB (It's that, or Din Tai Fung). We sang Yang a nice birthday song too! Just me and Mon. Heh heh. I hope he likes his present. I am quite satisfied with it, if I may say so myself. It was a treasure find! :)

Pre-birthday dinner, Mon and I went shoppinnnn' and she got herself a nice Nine West tote for school. I was almost tempted into getting a pair of lovely round-toed pumps, but they hurt my feet way too much to be succumbed to. Plus the price tag sure hurt too.

Thing I want to do the most : To SLEEP IN.
Things I sort of want to do : Get a pedicure. Cut my hair. Buy new stilettos. Have nothing to do all day.
Things I don't want to do : Wake up tomorrow morning. Have project meeting. Work on Corp Comm report.

Meh.

but you only wanted me the way you wanted me.

'Kay so I finished embarrassing myself in front of about 80 prospective SMU students at the open house, and now I'm in the library studying. I hope they couldn't tell I was nervous, and really had nothing to say. Haha. But Prof says he couldn't tell at all, and I'm a 'great ambassador'. Can't separate the truth from the tact in that. Hah. But okay it's over. Oh, I saw Cass there. I contemplated starting my speech with, "HI CASS!" into the lousy wireless mic, but I thought, nahhh. Wouldn't want to embarrass her like that. Hah.

I wonder if she knows.

My nose is really annoying me. These days I spell annoying as 'annjoying'. Why, oh why?

But anyway. Yeah. I'm in the library waiting for Mon to finish so we can go buy Yang's present and meet him for dinner - his much belated birthday dinner. :) I still have the stupid CB report to write, and my Corp Comm report, but I am feeling really sleepy and unmotivated now.

BAH.

"I buy a magazine, searching for your face
From coast to coast or wherever I find my place
Track you on the radio, I'll sign
Your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you, it's
Not the same"
- Reason Why, Rachael Yamagata

When Darkness Turns To Light, It Ends Tonight, It Ends Tonight

Love that All-American Rejects song. Hsinj, send to me!

We had dinner at Shokudo, this pretty good Jap restaurant owned by Cheryl's cousin, and then trooped down to Zouk for her birthday celebration. Tonight's music at Zouk was pretty damn good. That DJ Yoda may need a cooler moniker but the music he plays is thankfully tons cooler than his name. Hip hop mixed with all sorts of stuff from jazz (New York, New York) to the Star Wars theme. Ha. Surprisingly, it worked. It was music made for a good night out. :) I hope Cheryl enjoyed her birthday celebration. Happy Birthday my dearest babe, I hope you had a great time with us today. I know I had fun, even though I wasn't feeling totally okay at some points in time (both the noseflu and the heartflu). You looked happy though, and that's good. :)

Too bad I didn't bring my cam, could've taken plenty of pics with people. Dang. Plus, I actually wore makeup. Haha. Yeah I know, whatever right. Who cares.

I should hit the sack soon, but I think my brain is going to just go into overdrive. Wish me luck in getting enough rest.

That's fine, that's good, that's nice

I lost my '7' key.

It'd fallen out and refused to pop back in a long time ago, so for about a month I left it floating across my keyboard, the plastic component coasting wherever it pleased whenever I shifted my laptop. But today, at Frujch, in my haste to collect money for our food orders, it must've dropped. And I was too stressed out to realize it.

Damn it. I knew it couldn't be fixed back, but I sure as hell didn't want to lose it.

I came home after lunch with Neilly, Stim and Rita, and tried to get some rest or do some work. Ended up couched in front of the TV watching re-runs of Heroes and Laguna Beach. Finally got off my ass at around 4pm to finish a chapter of Consumer Behavior, and now I'm still staring at the first page of the new chapter in the textbook.

Wondering. Thinking. Like, what's the point of anything.

Tell A Seashell A Secret.

Act brave.

Even if you don't feel it. That's what C told me. And I try to, all the time.

Sometimes it just doesn't work.

It's hard, when every day is just a struggle to get by. And you fight every inch of your being that tells you, it cannot be, because it is the way it is. And you just have to resist the urge to scream and pound and shout at ... well, nobody, really.
I'm not saying this to evoke sympathy. This is purely matter of fact. I can only tell you my pain; I don't expect you to feel it for me, or tell me what I can do. I don't. So please don't.

You know, the closest analogy I can give you to how this feels like is this :

Remember when you were a kid, and you were so attached to your parents, you wanted to follow them everywhere? You didn't want them to walk away from you, even when they had to, say when you had to be dropped off at preschool or whatever. Your heart starts to panic as you reach the point of departure, because you know they're going to walk away. You reach out and start to tear, saying, mommy please don't go. I want you to stay. But mommy just says, don't be silly, I have to go. Be good now. And she leaves, calmly. Of course, she does this because she wants you to know it's all going to be okay. But as you stand there, watching her walk away, your heart grips with panic and you suddenly feel utterly and terribly alone. You resist the urge to chase her, because as it is she is driving away in her car, and you know you'll never catch up to her.

You are, irrevocably and inevitably, alone. And you just have to face it.

I really don't mean to keep waxing lyrical about my friends, but I am genuinely surprised at the reactions/responses I've been getting. They have been nothing short of real blessings. I have had one sincerely offer to take me to the doctor's upon hearing I'm ill, another insisting to fly me over to Bangkok for a good time upon hearing about the breakup, a few taking my phone calls almost daily to pour out my sadness at any time I wish, ... And not to mention all the other little acts/words of kindness, love and support I've had from so many.

It just makes me think, that even though it seems I wasn't good enough, or right for you, there must still be something about me worth caring for, or I must have done something right for these precious friends to really care, and not just say things for the sake of them. I can feel their sincerity, and it moves me :)

Randomness :

My Prof lost my thumb drive. Grrr.

You're in all my memories, and it really cuts to think about happier times.

I was running a flu/fever this afternoon. God it sucks to be sick and sad.

I called you again, and I don't know if that's a mistake. Worse, you haven't called back. Not that you probably will.

Yes, it is a bad day today.

"You've got your own drum major hammering out a deeply moving symphony, or maybe it's a bone-shaking house anthem. No matter.
I say you shake that cute little white ass to it, my dear."

- from Joyceycoo, in a Carrie Bradshaw moment

Shying Away From The Specifics

So the concert is over and done with. An hour of squirming on stage, trying to remember to breathe, and stand still, and sing on key. It was fun though, the entire experience. But when it was over, all I wanted was to get out of the dressing room and get back to real life.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the experience immensely - it was different. But I think it was because I had been suppressing how I'd been feeling all day inside, such that when I met Joycey and Lyd, the tears started. You see, I wasn't going to cry in my makeup and ruin my voice before the performance. I wasn't going to cry in a bunch of acquaintances and foreign faces. So I didn't, and I held on to my composure all day.

And it's not that I don't know why you're leaving, but that everything around me just reminds me of the times we spent together, the memories we created, how great all of that was. And how all that won't happen anymore. And that's the part that hurts.

The memories of your house, your family ... the activities we did, the adventures we went on, the topics we yapped about... And if we do revisit them in the future, it will be in the a different context, a different relationship (or lack of it). It's just not going to be the same anymore.

Like how today, as I stood onstage during the performance, I couldn't help thinking how beautiful the music was, and how I really really wanted you to listen to it. Because you'd appreciate it (somewhat), and we'd be able to discuss it and you'd listen patiently, as you always do, to what I'd have to say, in a way nobody else can. I don't have that same connection with anybody. But yeah, it was still ultimately better for both of us that you didn't attend the concert. And I think you know why I told you not to. Even though I really really wished you could have shared that experience with me.

I hope Minjers will forgive me for cut and pasting this conversation I had with him on MSN :

Hsinj says:
ya but like all things that hav come to past n u hold dear
Hsinj says:
u nd tat time of 'mourning'
Hsinj says:
jus dat it shd not be eternal.
zee says:
yeah.... that's v true
Hsinj says:
so take yer time
Hsinj says:
but dun take forever
Hsinj says:
meanwhile we will c ya thru the process

Because while I was feeling so horrid, he told me this, and it made so much sense, and I was so thankful for the truth and understanding in his words. So if you ever do still read this Hsinj, thanks.

And so it is, huh, as I told Joycey just now at Starbucks. Heh. It's her and me again, after so long. She is always the one who picks me up after I've fallen and scraped my knees in the dirt, and she may not always be there all the time, but when I need her most, she is there without fail. And there is something so ... embracing about that.

So yes, your friends will defend the silver lining. Until your heart heals.

And mine will, mine will.

Mezoforte.

I love orchestras. I really really do. Many of you may not know this, but I was a music geek back in secondary school. I was in the Music Elective Programme, and that was what really fuelled my love for classical music. The blend of the strings with the winds with the brasses with the percussions just melts my heart. During the rehearsal with the SSO and Moscow choir tonight, I daresay I almost teared during one particularly beautiful moment when Tatiana (solo violinist, wife of the composer) was 'singing' with her violin, to the accompaniment of the SSO strings.

Music really uplifts. You can't possibly say life is utterly shitty once you listen to a beautiful piece of music. And that's how I felt today during rehearsal, sort of enraptured and hopeful and fulfilled.

I'm excited about tomorrow's performance. Today's rehearsal made it seem real. We were given backstage passes, and wandered through the hallways that looked like those of hospitals (linoleum floors, wooden handrails at the side, white walls, fluorescent lights!), to locate the Recital Studio. I expected something flat-level and functional, but no. The rehearsal studio was lovely and big, with two tiers. The chorus stood on the raised platform, while the SSO was already setting up below.

All these instruments and their players - there's a big blaring tuba, and next to him the trombones; then there's the lunging deep voice of the double bass, the saccharine soprano of the violin and the warm-dark-honey melancholic cello; there's also the pipping flute and the twinkling percussionists, on xylophones most of the time.

And the conductor, Lim Yau, perched atop his flock, with the thin baton of authority waving about in his hand. He speaks in a stately manner, with some accent we all can't place. We all understand we're supposed to listen to him with absolute attention when he speaks, and watch his every move. The Russian translators try their best to translate important instructions delivered from him.

Then there are the Russian choristers who stand with us. They titter about playfully in Russian whenever they have a break, and (very politically uncorrectly) make jokes about various things, but manage to follow the piece throughout, some without scores at all, always on pitch. Every note crooned purely. Just beautiful to listen to. They suffered under our air-conditioning - it gave many of them runny noses and dry itchy throats, and were all wrapped up in their scarves and parkas and hats (!), while the rest of us were perfectly fine in our tees and tank tops and slippers.

The 'celebrities' joined our rehearsal this time round (Top Orders, it must be), and Sheikh Haikel especially was such a hoot. The rest mostly kept to themselves. But I've made fast friends with several if not all the SMU singers, so we generally have a good time.

Ooh, and after everyone left, Aaron and I and some others stayed behind to tinkle about on the Steinway (grand piano) that sat majestically in the studio. It was so niceeee. :) I had silly fantasies about me wearing a longish red cheongsam, with red satin gloves and red lipstick, lounging on the cover of the piano, like all those movies. Har har har.

So that's my rehearsal tonight.

And I just need to tell myself that it's okay.

It's okay to feel shitty.
It's okay to think sometimes.
It's okay to miss you.
It's okay to be down.
It's okay to want it,
it's also okay to not want it.
It's okay to feel confused.
It's okay to have made mistakes.
It's okay to be happy.
It's okay to forgive myself.


Ultimately, it's just okay to be me. Time to learn that, yeah.

Take Your Tears, Put Them On Ice

Lunch with Hsinj and Keith at Sakae was entertaining enough, but I was so annoyed by my heavy bag, and making my way home was such a drag. I come home, shut the door, and turn on my laptop. Open my MSN and iTunes, start playing Jay Chou, and lie on the bed. My body refuses to rest. My mind refuses to stop.

It's days like these you just have to get through, so that maybe tomorrow will be a bit better.

Anyway, I have tonight's rehearsal to look forward to - it'll be in the Esplanade Recital Studio, with the SSO (!), Moscow Vasiliev Choir, the Opus Posth ensemble, and the fantastic solo violinist Tatiana Gridenko. It'll be a feast for the senses, and I can't wait to hear them all in action, and us blending into their awesomeness to create great music. :) The piece itself is really quite exciting. Oh, listen to me, music geek.

It hasn't sunk into me that tomorrow, around this time, we'll be rehearsing for the last time in the Esplanade, before taking to the stage at 7.30pm in front of numerous GOHs and fellow Singaporeans. Jeepers! So fun. Heh.

I feel so tired though, and tomorrow is already Monday. Urgh. My shoulders badly need a good rub :(

Joyceys is going to dress up and upstage me tomorrow, apparently, when she goes to watch me. Haha. You better ah, then we can prove that we can transcend this fashion rut!

There I go, trying to pretend being okay again. Hardeeharhar.

The Ribbon On My Wrist Says, "DO NOT OPEN BEFORE CHRISTMAS <3"

I jumped, jumped, jumped my way to wobbly knees and jelly arms at the Fall Out Boy concert at Expo tonight. They played my favourite songs, and I have to say I feel content :) Well, the crowd was a little young for us - mostly international-school ang moh kids, some with parents/chaperones in tow! - and we were really the minority, and the venue was only half-packed, and Fall Out Boy played only for an hour ... but that still doesn't change the fact that I heard Fall Out Boy play live, and that's simply awwwwwesome.

Hehehe.

Boo to the fact that I have a 10am project meeting tomorrow, followed by rehearsals, then free time, then rehearsals (What am I going to do in between?!), and my heart has unfortunately sunk to a low and heavy position that it is in now. I need restful sleep.

I feel painfully aware of my inadequacies. And in some weird way, I feel hurt. I want to say I'm not feeling like this, I'm braver than this, I'm bigger than this; but I can't say it. All I can do is heave a big sigh, and resign myself to it.

Put Your Hands Up For Detroit

I'm so god-awful bloated from Carl's Jr., but boy was it a shioks meal. Joycey and me wolfed down our guacamole bacon cheeseburger and fried zucchini (we were thinkin' of you, Quekie), washing it down with ice-cold coke, as Rita watched us in amusement. She said that she's never seen me and Joyce so hungry before.

You see, Joycey and I met at Vivocity at like 8pm, and when I went to look for her she was at Zara. And from Zara, we got distracted by Pull and Bear, Forever21, River Island and Topshop, before we adjourned to dinner. The reasoning being the shops would've closed by the time we were done with dinner, so shopping was of greater priority here.

And while we didn't find any cool/offbeat/vintagey stuff, I got two nice simple tank tops from River Island, which were probably the cheapest items in the whole store at $21 each - white and navy with 'ah pek singlet' ribbing (which I dig), and Joycey got a grey dressy thing from Zara. Oh, and I also collected a flowy tiered black dress and black footless tights from my friend (who owns an online shopping site), and I love love the dress :) The tights fit well too. But sigh gone are the days when we were 'cool'. We're in a fashion rut, oh yes, Joycey and me! Tsk tsk.

Time to bring out all the fancies, Joyceykins. We have to reinstate our status! Lol.

Walking with two blisters on your toes is not funny. Carrying a heavy bag and laptop on top of that, is just pure torture. But I made it through today, and had plenty of fun with the two girls, so no complaints. :)

Sex and the City - Glorious Moments.

Carrie
Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away.

Carrie
Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.

Carrie
Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you are to become who you will be.

Carrie
Why do we let the one thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have? Why does one-minus-a-plus-one feel like it adds up to zero?

And my absolute favourite ...

Charlotte: So how are you?
Carrie: I'm good. How are you?
Charlotte: Great.
Carrie: I told Aidan about the affair (with Big) and he broke up with me.
Charlotte: Trey and I never had sex on our honeymoon.
Carrie: You win. So. Should we get more coffee or should we get two guns and kill ourselves?
(I can so imagine Joycey and me having a conversation like that.)

Rachael Yamagata Is Queen of Heartbreak-Emo.

Just now, after the Russian choir rehearsal, I asked Aaron to stay back and sing with me.

We only had time for half a song, because I (wrongly) thought I had to rush off. He started plonking random stuff, and eventually drifted into Autumn Leaves. My favourite. Ivy's favourite. And you know, that moment of listening to his killer piano chords and smooth phrasing wash over me, and my voice singing out everything I was really feeling ... man, that moment was gold. It made me so happy and content. The perfect moment.

I made Aaron promise we'll schedule a 'karaoke' jamming session, where we'll just get together and perform to nobody but ourselves. I miss it so much.

Fall Out Boy's in two days. I can't wait! :)

These days all my food is half-eaten. And why do I bump into three totally insensitive people in two days? I don't need this shit.

"I think about how it might have been
We'd spend our days travellin'
It's not that I don't understand you, it's not
That I don't want to be with you,
But you only wanted me the way you wanted me

So I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can hang our heads down as we skip the goodbyes
You can tell the world what you want them to hear,
I've got nothing left to lose, my dear
So I'm up for the little white lies
But you and I, we know the reason why

I'm gone and you're still there
I'm gone and you're still there
I'm gone and you're still there

I buy a magazine, searching for your face
From coast to coast, or wherever I find my place
I'll track you on the radio, and I'll sign
Your list in a different name
But as close as I get to you, it's not the same

So I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves on the back, and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big, we can spill all regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
But you and I, we know the reason why

I'm gone and you're still there
I'm gone and you're still there
I'm gone and you're still there

So steal the show and do your best
To cover the tracks that I've left
I wish you well and hope you find whatever you're looking for
And where I might have changed my mind, but
You only showed me the door

So I will head out alone, hope for the best
We can pat ourselves the back, and say that we tried
And if one of us makes it big, we can spill all regrets
And talk about how the love never dies
With you and I
You and I
We know the reason why"

A song you may sing to me.

My Tongue Will Always Be the B-Side to My Heart

I realize my previous post down there is so superficial. It was a hollow shell, a mirror of what I wanted to project to the world. I typed all the things that made me (seem) happy, and left out everything that is flooding me now. And I bet the reader is flush with suspicion - how could someone who just lost someone they love be so okay?

And I'll be honest with you. I wasn't okay yesterday, but I am okay, as I type this today, but I know I won't always be. I know feelings have a way of relapsing on you, and when you love someone so damn much, to get over that love is the hardest damn thing in the world. Breakups - I've had my fair share in the past. That rollercoaster road to okay-ness is long and harsh. I am simply gearing up for the ride.

I cannot, and will not, begin to describe the complexity of the emotions that take over the heart in a time like this. I have too many thoughts, some too convoluted, many too personal, some just plain silly, and some wrong, to place here. But yes, most of all, placing them here makes me feel very vulnerable, especially when I believe you still read this blog. And this period should be a very private period for you and me. So.

I really am awed by how wonderful my friends have been. This support means so much, and it is such a comfort, it really is. It's that cushion hypothesis prof was talking about in class today - you know that if you fall, they will be there to catch you, so it's not that bad to fall, really. And I feel it. I feel so blessed. (says that in a very Cheryl way) And I mean it.

Rainy Days and Silly Ways

Ice Cold Beer is opening at the bottom of Business block in school. How cool is that. It's all fuschia pink walls and barstools and beer on tap and LCD screen with soccer. Now I just hope they will actually want singing acts :) I will be reallyreally tempted to audition for it, no matter how shit my chances. Heh.

Dinner and drinks with the NY gang was nice. Hsinj, as usual, has good recommendations. This place called BarStop was rockin' man. Great jazz (so rare in Sg!), decent food, lovely atmosphere. I am certainly going to be a repeat customer. :) All that jazz inspired me to SMS Aaron and tell him how much I missed performing with him and Vy - they were playing all our fave songs man! Shit. The itch to sing again just starts under my skin when that happens. Heh.

Damn. If only life was simple. Then I'd go to Broadway and be a musical actress. Learn how to dance - tap, ballet, jazz, swing - and polish up my acting and singing and stamina, and just do what I love. Or just sing for a living.

If only, la huh.

As Neilly said that day, that's just life. You can't get what you really really want, sometimes, even if you want it with all your heart and soul. Neillus Bobeillus can be so wise. In fact, I think friends often catch you off guard by giving you advice that resonates such truth sometimes, and that is such a beautiful moment. Aye.