And as I sit here, sobered from our conversation earlier, about the future, I am trying to chart the path that lies ahead of me. The thing is, I don't even know if it can be charted. How do you get over someone? I just know what, in a hypothetical situation, would be the right thing for 'me' to do.

And that would be to stop. Stop fearing. Stop fearing the path that runs indefinitely without you. Stop fearing I will regret my decisions. Stop fearing I won't be strong enough to make it through. Stop fearing I will be damaged at the end of it, irrevocably missing a corner somewhere.

It's clear; I don't want to get over you. How could I. But I think that even if I don't totally get over you (because who can totally control these things called feelings), I have to try. I have to at least, try. So I know I can at least prove that to myself.

My brain is swimming, and it feels so full I can't focus my thoughts properly.

And today, as I sat there transparent as rice paper, brimming with hope, in the end I felt silly and pathetic. Wondering if you saw right through me in the end. I still don't know if I made any mistakes today. I still don't know. I'd like to think I didn't. Oh god.

The future is so grey, and so very, very ungraspable. And until I can live with that uncertainty, I don't think I can move on.

I'm sleepy. Shower, and then sleep. Yeah.