Tell A Seashell A Secret.
Act brave.
Even if you don't feel it. That's what C told me. And I try to, all the time.
Sometimes it just doesn't work.
It's hard, when every day is just a struggle to get by. And you fight every inch of your being that tells you, it cannot be, because it is the way it is. And you just have to resist the urge to scream and pound and shout at ... well, nobody, really.
I'm not saying this to evoke sympathy. This is purely matter of fact. I can only tell you my pain; I don't expect you to feel it for me, or tell me what I can do. I don't. So please don't.
You know, the closest analogy I can give you to how this feels like is this :
Remember when you were a kid, and you were so attached to your parents, you wanted to follow them everywhere? You didn't want them to walk away from you, even when they had to, say when you had to be dropped off at preschool or whatever. Your heart starts to panic as you reach the point of departure, because you know they're going to walk away. You reach out and start to tear, saying, mommy please don't go. I want you to stay. But mommy just says, don't be silly, I have to go. Be good now. And she leaves, calmly. Of course, she does this because she wants you to know it's all going to be okay. But as you stand there, watching her walk away, your heart grips with panic and you suddenly feel utterly and terribly alone. You resist the urge to chase her, because as it is she is driving away in her car, and you know you'll never catch up to her.
You are, irrevocably and inevitably, alone. And you just have to face it.
Even if you don't feel it. That's what C told me. And I try to, all the time.
Sometimes it just doesn't work.
It's hard, when every day is just a struggle to get by. And you fight every inch of your being that tells you, it cannot be, because it is the way it is. And you just have to resist the urge to scream and pound and shout at ... well, nobody, really.
I'm not saying this to evoke sympathy. This is purely matter of fact. I can only tell you my pain; I don't expect you to feel it for me, or tell me what I can do. I don't. So please don't.
You know, the closest analogy I can give you to how this feels like is this :
Remember when you were a kid, and you were so attached to your parents, you wanted to follow them everywhere? You didn't want them to walk away from you, even when they had to, say when you had to be dropped off at preschool or whatever. Your heart starts to panic as you reach the point of departure, because you know they're going to walk away. You reach out and start to tear, saying, mommy please don't go. I want you to stay. But mommy just says, don't be silly, I have to go. Be good now. And she leaves, calmly. Of course, she does this because she wants you to know it's all going to be okay. But as you stand there, watching her walk away, your heart grips with panic and you suddenly feel utterly and terribly alone. You resist the urge to chase her, because as it is she is driving away in her car, and you know you'll never catch up to her.
You are, irrevocably and inevitably, alone. And you just have to face it.
posted by the zee at 10:13 PM
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