Shying Away From The Specifics

So the concert is over and done with. An hour of squirming on stage, trying to remember to breathe, and stand still, and sing on key. It was fun though, the entire experience. But when it was over, all I wanted was to get out of the dressing room and get back to real life.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the experience immensely - it was different. But I think it was because I had been suppressing how I'd been feeling all day inside, such that when I met Joycey and Lyd, the tears started. You see, I wasn't going to cry in my makeup and ruin my voice before the performance. I wasn't going to cry in a bunch of acquaintances and foreign faces. So I didn't, and I held on to my composure all day.

And it's not that I don't know why you're leaving, but that everything around me just reminds me of the times we spent together, the memories we created, how great all of that was. And how all that won't happen anymore. And that's the part that hurts.

The memories of your house, your family ... the activities we did, the adventures we went on, the topics we yapped about... And if we do revisit them in the future, it will be in the a different context, a different relationship (or lack of it). It's just not going to be the same anymore.

Like how today, as I stood onstage during the performance, I couldn't help thinking how beautiful the music was, and how I really really wanted you to listen to it. Because you'd appreciate it (somewhat), and we'd be able to discuss it and you'd listen patiently, as you always do, to what I'd have to say, in a way nobody else can. I don't have that same connection with anybody. But yeah, it was still ultimately better for both of us that you didn't attend the concert. And I think you know why I told you not to. Even though I really really wished you could have shared that experience with me.

I hope Minjers will forgive me for cut and pasting this conversation I had with him on MSN :

Hsinj says:
ya but like all things that hav come to past n u hold dear
Hsinj says:
u nd tat time of 'mourning'
Hsinj says:
jus dat it shd not be eternal.
zee says:
yeah.... that's v true
Hsinj says:
so take yer time
Hsinj says:
but dun take forever
Hsinj says:
meanwhile we will c ya thru the process

Because while I was feeling so horrid, he told me this, and it made so much sense, and I was so thankful for the truth and understanding in his words. So if you ever do still read this Hsinj, thanks.

And so it is, huh, as I told Joycey just now at Starbucks. Heh. It's her and me again, after so long. She is always the one who picks me up after I've fallen and scraped my knees in the dirt, and she may not always be there all the time, but when I need her most, she is there without fail. And there is something so ... embracing about that.

So yes, your friends will defend the silver lining. Until your heart heals.

And mine will, mine will.