Heuristics and Such Fluff.

...omg this girl in my class is wearing those khaki-coloured rubber Croc moccasins. The kinds with the fabric lace-up tops sewn to the perforated rubber bottoms. O dear. : The only thing I can say is, WHY??? Why subject yourself to that?

Sorry I was going to start this post talking about waking up late, and watching the Patron's Day tug-o'-war, and enjoying a late start to the day, but those Crocs just distracted me. (wide-eyed)

Anyway I have good news - Fall Out Boy is coming to Singapore! Oh my goodness. After John Mayer last year in London, this is just superduper news, and I can now die in peace. After I watch FOB, of course. I'm exxx-ci-ted. :D

In QM class now, and I have to say, numbers are NOT my friend. Sigh. Kairen is scoring multiple class part points while I'm sitting here blogging. Ok my fault, but my prof is talking about heuristics and everything that isn't relevant to the lesson. He's just unbelievably slack. I don't like him too much.

Dreamin' of the weekend... ...

How do you do it...?

So once again, the boyfriend comes to the rescue.




Kudos. :)

A Little Drop of Optimism Makes the Medicine Go Down

I know the past few blog entries have been sad. I've not been totally sad, but anyway, I am trying to make it a point to blog a happy one right now.

You see, after my CB meeting, my groupmates and I - four girls - went to Charles and Keith, where Syl brought me to buy the bag she was carrying then (ironically)... sweet of her to be generous like that. :) It's a really nice weave tote bag with black trim, for pretty damn cheap, and I'm so pleased I bought myself a lovely bargain. Thank you Syl, really :)

And then, we went to Sushi Tei for lunch, where I tried Sukiyaki for the first time. The Raffles City sushi tei is really nice - I shall bring my mummy there next time - there are nice booth seats with lovely fringe curtains surrounding the seats so its nice and cosy, like a cocoon. I had to rush off to meet Di in school for our 'revision' of our COMM201 slides, and we spent the 45 minutes laughing like two mad people, so it was pretty fun.

And now I'm in CB class, half-listening to the prof, wishing I could just be sitting in a Starbucks back in Bath, nursing my Toffee Nut Latte in a paper cup while the sky turned grey from the impending rain. Mmmmm. (Mon, know what I mean?) Sigh. :)

I'm not trying to be difficult, I just can't deny how I feel

It's late, and I'm up even though I'm tired.

It's my brain.

It's buzzing from my thoughts, and the paper I've finally completed for the Entrepreneurship course I took on exchange (due 26 Jan). (phew)

Or maybe it's my heart. Whichever it is, it doesn't really matter.

I had a very good conversation with C just now over the phone, and it was very fulfilling. I actually felt cheered from the upsetting turn of events earlier tonight, and combined with the fact I got productive work done, I appreciated the time I had left alone at home. But now I don't know why I feel kind of sad. I'm wondering if you're feeling okay (even though I know you're in deep sleep now, which you badly need); I miss your company. I want to be there to take care of you since you feel ill. But I'm here at home, resisting the urge to take a cab over just to go over to kiss your forehead, feel your temperature and watch you sleep, and know you're okay. Nothing more, honest. And if anything, I'll be there to take care of you.

Is that very silly? I'm sure some people are thinking so now. But oh well that's how I feel now, so.

Cross your fingers and hope tomorrow won't be as rough a day. Hope things will fall in place. I hope that when I wake up, it'll all be better. And when I go to sleep tomorrow night, it won't be with the same disturbed pensiveness.

These knots are too big for my hands to untie

Only reasons why I'm up now are as follows :

1) Am hungry
2) Have just finished showering, so feel 50% more awake than before
3) Am sad

I guess if I forced myself, I should be able to settle into a restless sleep despite the growling stomach. Unless the growl develops into a roar, and then the antibiotics would cause me to feel almost-nauseous and totally insomniac.

I don't want to keep feeling like this. It's seriously god-awful. It's seriously tiring. Emotions are like big lead pieces over your aching heart. Times like these, I wish I really didn't care.

At least you get to block it out. What do I have?

And Gravity Wants To Bring Me Down

Listening to the jolly buzz of the TV downstairs just leaves me feeling empty.

Time and again, how to not feel cast aside? The book explains it, but I still don't get it. Or maybe, the way things unfold don't leave me room to be generous and accepting as I must be. Hence I fight the idea, when perhaps I am only fighting the way you handled the matter.

And now I feel like the biggest dunce that ever lived, the number of question marks balancing atop my head just astounding. I am indignant, and I am also angry. I wasn't, but the phone conversation just made me feel it again.

Because goodness knows I feel unwanted, misunderstood, shut up. And goodness knows at this point, you don't give a shit.

I am worried that you are sick. But I know that Daddy is taking care of you, so you'll be fine.

Each SMS you send me are like hooks, that ask me to come home, stay at home. Eat lunch at home, eat dinner at home. I'll fetch you. I know you're being sweet, and I know I'm not supposed to be mad but the only thing is I think you feel sad that I'm not around. But I can't deal with the guilt you want to make me feel now.

I am 22. Let me go out and have my own life, please, without feeling like I have to keep rejecting your requests time and again. Don't tie me down. I already promised to have lunch with you on Sunday, and I already try to spend 40% of my week at home. Sigh.

Whatever. Time to tune out.

Nothing and Everything All At Once.

Yesterday night was emotionally tiring. I just hope something good came out of it. I just hope it won't happen again. It makes me sad to think about it still.

It was wrong timing, wrong things said, and ultimately I don't think I lost my cool like that for a very long time. And while I get annoyed/frustrated relatively easily, to get me mad-mad - takes quite a bit.

Learning how to say sorry is so, so very important.

That book -- you need to read that. I hope you stick to your promise to do it today.

Today I have to go home and tell my mum something I know will worry her incessantly. But I think she'd rather know than not. Crossing my fingers.

Totoro.

I still remember the time my dad brought me and Yirong to watch Totoro. We were like, whurt. What sort of remote cartoon is that, would it even be nice? Well, I don't know about Yi but I fell in love with it.

Later on I'll remember squealing in glee when my dad presented the both of us with the whole series of Totoro comics - all 4 books. Crisp, glossy, white - we were so gentle with them, afraid to break the spine and wrinkle the pages.

Yibs, do you remember? :)

"That'll Do Pig; That'll Do."

Today was utterly, mindblowingly, frustratingly confusing. From Finance class to QM class to boyfriend, everything was enough to make me tear my hair out.

I felt like in everything I tried my very best, but somehow it was not yielding the results I wanted/needed. It was the most frustrating thing to feel, enough to make me want to fling something across the room (and I'm not a violent person usually).

Then just now, as Marc was driving me home and we'd settled into an exhausted silence borne from too many exchanged words, it just occurred to me : I've tried hard enough for today. Even if my Finance is still a question mark, even if QM still remains an analogical nightmare under the hands of my prof, even if me and him still can't see eye to eye, it's okay. Because I've given it my best, I really have, and that's good enough. I'll just have to rest now and try again tomorrow.

I'm going to try and live by that, because goodness knows there are a million things to overwhelm me right now, and I'm already feeling up to my neck. And I have to find some way to preserve my sanity through it all.

Life's little epiphanies eh.

Pressure on every side.

Today is Bad Class Day.

During Finance class, we had a quiz and I was iffy about two questions out of four. Plus, Prof tried to go through Forward Rates and Bonds, and I struggled to keep up. I really really tried, but it just didn't seem to be enough - I didn't get the Forward Rates bit. And goodness me, everyone else seemed to get it!

And now I'm in QM class and everyone seems to get what I don't get. Okay, me and Kai are the only two (he quips). But aiya his Super-GEP Powers will whoop in and save him at the last minute during our exams, and I will of course have to do it the very-human way : mug like mad.

Sigh. It's so hard to deny that I'm overwhelmed, because I am.

So many things to understand, and yet I (frightfully) don't seem to get it. Too little time to understand it, too much pressure to keep keeping up with everyone else.

Le Depressing.

Not to mention, emotionally I'm strung-out. I'm stuck between what you want/need and what I feel. How not to be affected? No matter what, it'll still hurt that someone needs some time away from you. I'm trying to be brave about it each time, I really am. But as with all things in my life, it doesn't ever seem to be enough. I can't seem to meet these expectations on me.

Yet I don't want to push you over the edge. I'm so terrified of it, I really am. I feel like all this blame is on me if I do, and I'll have to feel punished again. At the end of it, I guess I don't understand why it is you need what you need. Could you explain it to me? I'm perplexed. I'm upset. I'm hurt.

Bah.

When it starts raining, it pours.

Atchoo!

Today is the kind of weather (temperature-wise) I had hoped Europe would've been every single day I was there. Cool enough to not feel the sweat sticking to your skin; warm enough to still be in a tee and shorts and not become a popsicle. I don't like the rain that much though, because it soaks into the footbed of my Betulas and makes them icky. I think Rome and Venice was like this at some points - cool and breezy, without the rain. Mmmm.

I just suffered from an acute case of blog envy visiting K's blog. Nicer pictures (good eye and nice angles), pretty cute dialogue (I can't seem to carry that off), and she's in a foreign country where I've never been to, to boot. Why oh why oh why. *whine* Then I asked M if he liked her blog better than mine, and he said something which was very nice, something about liking my blog 'cos it speaks from my heart, and he likes reading it, or sumfin'.

(gummy smile) :D Yeah, I think I can live with that.

Yesterday was pretty fun, even though I sort of didn't anticipate it to be so. See, I tend to clam up when I'm in a big group of people I'm not familiar with. And when I mean clam up, I mean big time. Sort of wishing to disappear into the floor type of clam up. But yesterday was okay. The badminton guys had me cracking up every 30 seconds with their ridiculous mahjong tactics ('Let Daddy show you how mahjong is played' - before proceeding to lose S$10 to me), crackhouse soccer commentaries and general silliness. Oh, and yes I did win S$13 in mahjong :) And I had a full double, with all 'tong zi' except for 3 'bai ban' and it was super nice. Heh heh heh. Yeah. And we binged on pizzas and watched soccer and I listened to them have a very amusing half-hearted team talk. Boys. You can't count on them to multitask, especially not when a Man U match is on.

Overall, a pretty decent weekend. :)

Stop This Train

These few days, I've been busy floating through school, getting a grip on reality. Trying hard not to fall into the famed Exchange Syndrome, the one where you sort of lose all will to live because things just suck after landing hard on your bum in good ol' Purgatory, after falling many thousand feet from the land of Paradise and Fun.

At the back of my head since I've got back, there's been these two niggling questions constantly playing in a small voice, whatever it is I'm doing :

What has changed? And concurrently, what has remained the same?

I mean, I know that certainly as a whole person I've evolved, improved, changed; but the question of what exactly has changed and remained the same is still astonishingly hard to answer. That sort of disturbs me.

Ah well.

Time to go downstairs; I'm heading off to steamboat dinner at Marina South with the badminton players. Then it's pool/mahjong/soccer time at Marc's place.

"Stop this train, I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in"
- Stop This Train / John Mayer

Leaving a bad taste behind.

Wow.

Few issues get my heart pounding with indignation as this. And it was Xiaxue's blog that incensed it. The latest post just totally, totally blew my mind. Read it. I tell you, it's a piece of work.

In it, she suggested that Fillipino rape victim "Nicole" - having been 'pissed drunk' - was asking for it. Not only does dirty dancing and flirtation while intoxicated imply that you are certainly willing to have sex with a man, she says, but having such a handsome/hot/sexy guy rape you certainly justifies the crime. At the same time, once you cause a man to get 'erected' you're suggesting sex is to follow. (see below)

"Logically, if you agree to kissing, dirty dancing, then you should be mostly agreeable to going all the way. If you don't want to, make it clear from the start, and don't make him erected and test his willpower."

Xiaxue also implies that rapists can be confused regarding consensus to sex, given that Japanese porn regularly exhibits lots of girls who play hard-to-get (so guys obviously can't tell the difference between playing hard-to-get and saying no, even when the girl is, in actual fact, saying "no" - a lot of times. Firmly. In a scream.)

I mean, look, if the girl was indeed raped, I agree the girl has paid a very very valuable price for learning not to get so damn pissed drunk you don't know what happens to you. Controlling your own alcohol consumption and being consciously aware of your limit is so important - and when you don't, you have to suffer the consequences. And she has. See, she has years of emotional and psychological trauma to deal with from here on.

One huge fallacy here, though.

Flirting with a guy and dirty dancing with him (assuming this happened) may make you more susceptible to the risk of rape, but it does not mean you ask for it.

Walking on the streets late at night increases your susceptibility to murder/robbery/rape, but that alone does not mean you are asking for it, or deserve it.

Using Xiaxue's argument structure, anybody who dies/gets into a car accident/gets robbed essentially deserves it, because we all have some responsibility in conducting actions that lead us to being in the position we are in, during the occurrence of the crime.

But that in no way means the victim asked for it, or deserved it.

What really takes the cake is that many people agree with her point of view. Some people lament that the poor rapist - all of twenty-one - should not be given life sentence; others say the girl totally deserves it because she got drunk. ("Where was her sister anyway? How could she let herself be unprotected and alone and land herself in that situation") Yet others say just because she is Fillipino and Fillipinos have a filthy reputation, she was probably lying. Or better yet, some say she was horny and drunk, but wasn't satisfied with the sex, hence the accusation of rape.

Speculation is fine, ladies and gentlemen, but senseless and fallacious speculation - on this topic in particular - just makes my blood fucking boil.

A large point of frustration for me is that many people say rape is both the fault of the rapee and the rapist in this case. But that is going against the definition of rape : a rapist has sexual intercourse with the rapee without his/her consent. Any violation against someone's will in the sexual context should be considered some degree of sexual abuse. By going against the rapee's will, the rapist is the one who is at fault.

The crime lies in the act itself.
How they both got there - be it because they were dirty dancing beforehand, making out, just sipping tea, total strangers walking on the same deserted street - should not alter this at all.

The biggest irony?

Xiaxue won't mind getting raped by say, Josh Hartnett, but rape is all about having sex against the rapee's will - not that Xiaxue seems to understand that, poor girl - and since she is therefore a 'willing victim', I don't think she'll get her pretty pink wish.

All this ignorance is so disappointing.

So many things I wish to say, but I won't.

I have to make a special request here - if you do not agree with me, please don't post it on my tagboard, or I'm not sure I can honestly look at you the same way again after hearing what you have to say. In this issue, I am very firm regarding my views, given how personal this is, and I know you will all understand.

Pipe me up, John

' I've heard so many people tell me about "Stop This Train" and what it means to them, especially this time of year. All I can say is "me too"...

To everyone in the last year who's approached me to tell me that my music has pulled them through a tough time, may 2007 be a year in which music only scores the happiness in your life. What makes life so compelling is that nobody can avoid that darkness - I know I won't - but in the moments when things fall into place, they are to be enjoyed as much for what they are as for what they won't be someday... And that's what I've been learning lately. My new mantra: "While you were, say you did." '
- John Mayer/Blog, Dec 31 2006 entry

I love the way you speak the truth straight from the heart, Mayer. Kudos.

So I am stuck in school on this rainy/gloomy Wednesday afternoon, with nothing to do. Well, okay, if I choose to, I could really be reading my Corporate Reputation textbook Case or the course pack, but well I'm sleepy and a little dissatisfied at having dragged my ass out of bed at 10am only to find out Kai was pushing our lunch appointment back by an hour and a half. Worst bit is, he only told me when I got out of the house and was already at the bus-stop. Anyway I've set aside Thursday and Friday for doing work. (Is that too little time? Should I do it now? Has everyone read the material for Weeks 1 to 5 already? GAAH)

Bejeez.

There was a little green spider who tried to get into my top while I rode the bus 77 from Sixth Avenue down to school. It totally freaked me out, but it also died in the process. Poor thing. I didn't kill it though - it was the girl who sat next to me on the bus - the spider had the poor sense to land on her dress after hopping off my top and my bag. She calmly retrieved tissue paper from her bag, and ... well. That was The End of Spider.

So calm, she was. Made me look bad for squeaming, dammit.

Little green spiders are gross. They make my skin crawl. I hate small spiders. I am mortally terrified of big ones.

John Mayer keeps saying "two wrongs make it all alright, tonight" through my headphones.

I have a quiz and project due on the same day in Week 5. The realities of school are so cutting, it feels like my lifeblood is drained out of me. No more doing-whatever-I-want time, or sleep-in-and-do-nothing-today time. It's all going to be about proper time management, meeting deadlines and meeting them well, and the other blahs that is the Rat Race of school. My Malaysian friend was telling me, "You Singaporeans work too hard". I guess he is right. But who am I to complain right, everyone's been at it for one term already, and here I am just back from a long holiday. But you know what gets to me is the fear of having realized I am no longer as good as I was at what I am doing, and having to pay the ultimate price for having so much fun.

Bah.

Where did this grey veil of sian-ness come from, and how did it settle itself over my vision? Hmmm. Could be the badly distressing dreams I've been having every night, for the past week since I am home; maybe it's the fact I didn't bring my own laptop to school so have to bum off the library's; maybe it's my lack of a cashcard leading to me not being able to print my class notes for later; maybe it's the utter scariness of being in school with so many people around but not one familiar face (where has everyone gone to?). Aaahh.

I feel like being around someone now.

I have bad posture in front of the laptop. Hell, I have bad posture everywhere.

"For here you are, standing there
Loving me - whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good"
- "The Sound of Music" OST

I lovelovelove this song from the greatest musical of all time. So touchinggg Maria and the Captain. Too bad after traveling to Salzburg I realized the entire musical was spun from the bright pink candyfloss that is the Broadway imagination, and hardly factual. But I relate to this verse in the song a lot, especially today.

So today I met up with ol' Joyceykins, and by chance, Rita Bobita also. :) Of all places, we hung out at Maxwell Food Centre. (Long story, basically they both needed to be in the area for a while so we met) I ate mee pok soup, and Joycey nursed a teh peng. Minus the sweltering heat, it felt good to be home in the company of my two girlfriends. :) And I'm so glad Joycey liked the presents I got for her. Phew.

I went back home and took a nap, but unfortunately got woken up by a bad dream. For the past few days since I've been back, I've been plagued by bad dreams - the sort that you wake up from in a start. They're just all very dark, emotionally heavy and very distressing. It's not like someone coming after me with a parang or whatever, but ... I end up feeling very upset when I wake up. BAD.

So I jolted out of bed and slowly got dressed. Going to PS Cafe for dinner, despite my iffy stomach. I just hope it (the tummy) won't get upset on me again - I fully intend to enjoy my expensive dinner tonight, without it (the food) exiting either way in a haste.

Good Sunday evening, everyone!

The Bad and the Beautiful

Hollo!

It was a sort of almost-certain decision to let this blog die and fizzle out, since I am back from exchange, and the blog was originally dedicated to the process of my exchange, but I do so love the crowd who reads this and the spirit this blog has. So I think I'll continue posting here until I decide not to do so again. :)

The last few days have been nice. Re-entry into life here was a little bumpy though, as on my first night I was totally jet-lagged and thought-laden till 7am in the morning. I was scared, honestly, on my first night back. I was afraid how things would be like for me from now. But the next day was good, because I met up with Cheryl, Dave etc. and we had a good time talking and catching up. It was truly as if I never left, and that felt good. The night ended up with a very late supper at my favourite Chai Chee bak chor mee stall - what more can a girl ask for, really? Heh.

Then Marcs returned, and since then I've been hanging with him and his family, staying at his place. Tomorrow school is starting again, but thank goodness my lesson is 3.30pm and not 8.30am. Hah :P

Mon did a The Good and The Bad of Returning Home list in her blog. My list would look something like that :

The Good
Warm weather = not freezing all the time
I get to wear all my nice tropical clothing
Get to eat all the good Singapore food
Familiarity is comfort, man
Having my friends around me again

The Bad
Missing Thornbank Gardens
Realizing some things really don't change, or won't change so soon (and not exactly knowing how to get there)
People are leaving just as I am returning
School is starting, and so the rat race resumes
My parents are returning from Indo soon

Yep. So that's it. Can't wait till the ol' Joycey and Ritz return. I do miss 'em!