Song IX, WH Auden

As I grapple with the finality of the situation, and the shock and hurt that comes with it, I must still trudge on with school and family and friends. Life goes on, albeit with that horrific ache that doesn't seem to go away.

I don't need pity, I don't need "you will get over it soon", or "you'll find someone better"; I just need companionship and understanding. To just be there and hold my hand, when it feels as if the pain is so great I cannot breathe.

I am trying to get by, hour by hour. Not day by day - yet. Then it'll be week by week. I wish to pretend he doesn't mean anything to me, but the truth is, he meant everything. But I accept his decision, and I will respect it as much as I can.

So these few days, if you see me walking by, and I don't say hi or give you a warm smile, please understand that it's not that I am being unfriendly, but I just don't wish to pretend I'm okay when I am veryvery not. I mean, I try to hold it together, but sadly that holding-up thingie just ain't foolproof.

Yes, friends will defend your silver lining, but there is nothing to ride out the pain. No quickfix, or painkiller here, for the heart.
Nothing at all, really, except to wait.

Song IX, WH Auden

As I grapple with the finality of the situation, and the shock and hurt that comes with it, I must still trudge on with school and family and friends. Life goes on, albeit with that horrific ache that doesn't seem to go away.

I don't need pity, I don't need "you will get over it soon", or "you'll find someone better"; I just need companionship and understanding. To just be there and hold my hand, when it feels as if the pain is so great I cannot breathe.

I am trying to get by, hour by hour. Not day by day - yet. Then it'll be week by week. I wish to pretend he doesn't mean anything to me, but the truth is, he meant everything. But I accept his decision, and I will respect it as much as I can.

So these few days, if you see me walking by, and I don't say hi or give you a warm smile, please understand that it's not that I am being unfriendly, but I just don't wish to pretend I'm okay when I am veryvery not. I mean, I try to hold it together, but sadly that holding-up thingie just ain't foolproof.

Yes, friends will defend your silver lining, but there is nothing to ride out the pain. No quickfix, or painkiller here, for the heart.
Nothing at all, really, except to wait.

Don't Have the Right Words to Say

Listen to the song, "Dao Dai" by Jay Chou. He says it for me.

Thank god for friends. Or else I'd not be here, sitting, typing this out.

"I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But, then your circle of friends
Will defend the silver lining"
- John Mayer, The Heart of Life

Bali Haiiii

My Finance Prof is so cute. Looks like a teddy bear, with a wry sense of humor. And a Hongkong-American accent. I bet he's quite eligible with the single women.

Reading Material.

If you know me for long enough, you will know that I don't bother about paperbacks - the latest novel, or memoir - non, cherie; I love my magazinesssss. They are my monthly ritual. Marcus loves to say that each time I stroll past a magazine stand in Holland V, he can sense my 'radar' turn on and start bleeping - "ShouldIbuyshouldIbuyshouldIbuy", as my eyes scan the stand quickly. And he's actually pretty right.

Joycey and me (those good old days...sigh) used to sit in the back of our Sec 2 classes together, and surreptitiously flip through Flirt! and Female and Her World magazines (could only afford local back then, and there was no Style yet) while classtime meandered by. No wonder my grades in Sec 2 were marginal, to say the least. I spent most of my year daydreaming in class with Joycey. Anyway. We loved fashion, and dreamt of being fashion designers or magazine writers, or store buyers. And now, eight years later (!), I think we still do love fashion, but not with that kind of child-like fervor that belongs to the idealistic any longer.

I was reminded of all this because I just bought a copy of the March issue of Vogue - all $15.90 worth of it. And I LOVE IT. I don't regret the purchase one bit, despite the price tag. My usual diet of Glamour UK and Glamour US, Cosmo, etc. have stayed within the below-$10 range.

Oh, but Vogue! Filled with advertisements of different papers and textures, that I can pore over; interesting and well-researched articles that tell me things I don't know (versus all those mags that just repeat the same things in different ways issue to issue); beautiful pictures of luxurious clothes and shoes and accessories... and to know that this is The fashion directive of them all just makes me want to take it all in and believe in it.

What is it about pretty pictures that just make style-loving women (and men) go ga-ga? I still can't figure out exactly why. It's just pure visual pleasure, innit? I cannot explain how comforted I am by a good monthly fash mag. And I believe this is one magazine I will still refer to six months down the road, and that's saying a lot in this fickle world of fashion.


Okay, enough of blogging. Back to poring over my Vogue mag. Toodles, dahhling. / insert airkiss here

Zhen de hao lei.

Emotionally tired, I really am. I feel like getting out of the house, even though I just came home. Being with someone I care about.

I can't keep Jojo's new song out of my head. I think that, despite some cheesy lines, it's a really good song. Yeah, so I have a guilty indulgence in the form of this particular wee pop princess, 'cos I happen to dig three of her songs.

F**k That.

So Facebook has taken up almost forty minutes of my time. It's such a beautiful and wonderful distraction from MPW, it really is. Oh man. Maybe this is the Hawthorne effect. You know, the novelty factor of it all. We've all got MSN. But we don't all have facebook. Ta-daa! I'm special. Facebook is like your very own website, dedicated to the worship of noone but you.

Do you ever have one of those days where you just can't believe yourself? The things you are thinking, the thoughts you let slip out of your mouth, the moods you can't control? I'm having one of those days. And I just don't feel normal. In fact, I feel very weird indeed. And that sucks.

Xin Fu, Kou Fu.

Chinese New Year was exquisite. Yes, exquisite. In the sense of seeing family and relatives I've not seen for years, young and old - people moving on in their different life stages - hearing their stories, shaking their hands and returning their warm smiles, sharing little in common except that one powerful commonality that is family. Sitting and talking about the years gone by, and feeling the warmth of family fill the room. Hongbaos and blessings and little kids. Tradition and mahjong games. Racuous 'lo hei' sessions and Spencer in a red silk samfu.

It was a nice little pocket of time away from work and books and projects. I really enjoyed it, despite the little ups and downs. I think I'll look back at CNY this year quite fondly indeed. :)

Obligatory Pre-CNY Post

Kung hei fatt choi one and all! Chinese New Year is here again :)

Today's going to be the reunion dinner, and mine's gonna be at Pines country club in town. Uber boring. I'd even rather they have it at home. Plus, this year's attendance is going to suck, because five people are going to be missing, making it a sad little table of ten and below. And Yi isn't around. Yi isn't around. *chimes* NO FUN. :(

So tonight's going to be boring, but heck just got to get it over and done with. These family things.

Now I'm waiting around for the Marcus to come by to pick me up for lunch. What was supposed to have been a pre-CNY date turned into a family outing when my mum decided to volunteer my dad and herself to join us. Left me no room to say no (just by virtue of asking it's bad enough innit) and then returned, oh if you don't want us to go it's okay you know (I know it's not okay). (rolls eyes)

As Neilly says, just make the best of it I guess. So I've also arranged for possible coffee plans after the lunch at Starbucks Siglap. Mmm.

I'm wearing a new tube top I bought with the BSMNY gang yesterday at Chinatown - Hsinj and me swooped into This Fashion, I grabbed this top in under five minutes and bought it without trying :) It's satiny, black, and has big florals covering it. I love it! If not for my headache, I would have certainly taken Cheryl up on that offer to go shopping in the Chinatown area after our dinner at Smith St. We'll go again soon okay babe?

Plans this week so far :

Sunday - Marc's place for annual gambling den festivities
Monday - probably stay home
Tuesday - night : dinner at Cheryl's
Wednesday - night : chionging with Lyd Ritz Joycey (it's still on right?)


Given that the lunar year of The Dog is ending, I have been pensive somewhat, thinking about what a year it has been, and how I'd like next year to be different. While CNY seems sort of tacky to believe in, I strongly see it as a second new start - another opportunity to begin afresh, and for things to go your way more.

If I don't get to shake your hand during this festive period for some reason, here's wishing you a Happy Chinese New Year - good health, love, peace and prosperity to us all!

Looking forward

So a very sleep-deprived me barely made it to school on time this morning. Only to hear from Prof that he actually didn't really need me in class. Booh. One sleep-in morning forgone! Woe is me. I forgot the sheer luxury that is sleeping in - in Bath, I slept in 6 days a week, and when I had to get up early during travels, I was grimpy. Really grimpy.

Valentine's Day yesterday was simple and no-fuss - dinner at a new restaurant at Jelita. Food was pretty good, but mental note : never eat squid-ink pasta on a date again, no matter how good it is. No, not a pretty picture. Good thing it wasn't one of those initial date thingies, and we ended up giggling over the black stains than cringing. But really, what was the restaurant thinking, putting it on their Valentine's Day menu. Tsk tsk.

We wanted to cuddle up and rent some movies, but we ended up going home and sleeping till 11pm because we were both just so pooped. So boring eh. But it was still nice larh, spending time away from books.

Oh, and I thought he wasn't going to get me a little blue box ('coz he said he didn't) - but he did. :) (squeals) And he placed it on the dashboard of the car when he went to pick me up. I was so tired and drained I didn't notice till a few minutes later. I am in love with that box's shade of blue. Just delish :) It's a little big for me though, the bracelet. But that can be easily taken care of.

New updates in the maid debacle have left me feeling relieved. And thankful, to Marc, for standing up for me.

I'm gonna go cut my hair later, and maybe go shopping. What a relief that the first half of term is over, I'm so looking forward to the weekend.

Vee Day.

Hokay it's been a good few days since I last blogged, if I didn't remember wrongly, and it's been quite a few days indeed. I've been busy mugging for my QM and Finance midterms, both of which are now thankfully OVER. However I still have a presentation this afternoon, but which shouldn't be that much of a problem :)

Regarding the whole maid debacle, I thank everyone for their concern and laughter, and (to those whom I ranted to) listening and empathising with my anger/frustration. Anyway, I've taken a good few days away to cool off, and now I feel slightly better about it all. Distance always brings clarity eh.

Anyhoo. I am severely sleep-deprived, and in need of a good lunch. Am going to meet Hsinj and Jacks and Serene for lunch at Raffles City, and then gonna go for my project meeting. Just hope it won't be too odd, cos I don't know S that well, and my 'sociability bone' doesn't feel like it's working too well these days. Haha I bet Hsinj will complain that I am always tired when I meet him. Bah.

Oh, and I realized what a total shrew I can be when pushed to the limit of tiredness. LOL. Marcus bore the brunt of it, but oh well, what can I say. I really can't help that I was stressed/frustrated/demoralized/lacking sleep yesterday. How do you make it up to someone when you've let them down? :( I'm not good at these things.

Soap-Clean.

"I can see a little house on top of the hill
And I can smell the ocean, the salt in the air
And I can see you, you're standing there and you're
Washing your car, and I can see California
Sun in your hair"
- Bonnie Somerville, "Winding Road"

The lyrics of this song makes me think of driving along a long coastal road, with the afternoon sun shining over the sparkling ocean, as I stick my head out for the breeze. :) Nice.

I needed to get out of the house. It was getting too much, remaining there, thinking about what happened, and how angry I was. So we headed to school early, where he had a project meeting, and then walked to Armenian St. for some char kway teow and ngoh hiang. Mmm. The crummy old coffee shop at the street corner is so quaint. Yes, it's pretty filthy, but it's superbly old school in terms of decor. The walls all blackened with soot and dirt, floors splotched with grime and bits of noodle - and the place used to have a few stray cats who made up the regulars.

Now I'm sitting in a GSR, a graciously provided shelter by Gerald's gf Cheryl, who has kindly allowed me to share the room with her while she waits for him. Otherwise I would most certainly be GSR-less, all the rooms are full. On a Sunday.

Welcome back to SMU huh. We're trained workaholics.

And As The Drama Unfolds

Something happened today that was a big shocker. A big, big shocker, that left all of us - Marc, me and his parents - perplexed and without a clear answer. It concerns his maid, and her attitude toward me. Basically, she doesn't like me, and today she took a drastic measure to show it.

So now there is the question of why she doesn't like me. We've bandied around many theories, and honestly the one niggling theory is the one that cannot be confirmed. But my instinct and re-evaluations tell me it is true. So whatever it is. I still feel unsafe in this house now.

Because we've all seen what maids can do, especially, it seems, in Singapore. Lots of maids-gone-bonkers-slash-crime-of-passion stories.

Look, I empathise with the plights of maids. They are young and naive, and brought here to slog their guts out for a pittance. On top of that, their work benefits suck ass, and they are far away from kith and kin. I know I am way privileged when compared to them. But Marc's maid is far from being ill-treated. The family doesn't just regard her as "The Help", but they do see that she makes a significant and competent contribution to the well-being and running of this family. They never speak to her with condescension, or scold her, or beat her. They treat her humanely. And I do as well.

This is perplexing, and while my friends are deeply entertained when I fill them in on the juicy details of this story in all my jaw-dropping shock, I can only feel more scared. Because in some ways I am so vulnerable here, in a house where she cooks and handles my food when I am around, and where she is in such close proximity, and not to mention I am humiliated and angry with her for behaving like that toward me. At the same time, I don't want to cause her to be deported, especially since the firing decision would be made contingent on the future -- that is, if she behaves in any way more maliciously to me. But by then, and I don't mean to dramatize this, it could be too late because damage would already have been done.

Whatever it is, she has breached an important line today. And I can never look at her the same way again.


The only expression to convey how I feel now is : Brrrr. Shiver.

Homes.

I haven't done a pictorial post in quite a while. Originally wanted to put up photos of the Sing-Malaysia soccer match I caught, but Blogger resolutely refuses to show those images - they turn out totally brown. Odd.

Anyhooos. Some pictures I took (and one my sis took) recently below.

View out my sis' window. Lovely shot, taken by her. Outside the Gelare below Accountancy Block in school. Some say it's a fake Gelare! I'm not sure myself, given that the logo of the shop is different from the usual Gelares.

I just had to do this - a Marks & Spencer. Ho ho. :) The poor boy, after he went for his haircut that left him bald and shivering.

Love, Actually.

So it turns out, I have a (killer) finance midterm and MPW presentation on Valentine's Day. Even though I don't really treat V Day as an uber-occasion, it'd have been nice to section away some time spent away from books, laptops, and other such evil academic apparatus with mister marcus. Nonetheless. I'm just glad that V Day'll be the end of midterm-madness, and the start of the ushering in of CNY.

Bak kua, mahjong, blackjack, wearing new clothes and acting demure and sweet in front of relatives. Hey, what's not to like. 'Cept I sure wish Yi is around, do miss her so during this time of year.

Jay Chou's "Xin Yu" is stuck in my head. Literally translated, it means "Heart Rain". Its chorus basically says, in my heart, the rain falls so heavily, but it seems I just can't seem to drench/touch you with my love. I don't know about you, but I think it's a rather beautiful metaphor. Heh.

I was just giving this some thought just now - the idea of a Real Man. I mean, what separates a guy from being a mere member of the male species from a hallowed member of said exclusive, elevated group? I mean, I'd think people will have their own (very personal) definitions and opinions on what a real man is to them.

For me, a real man is one who ...

1.Trusts the one he loves, even when he knows she holds his heart in her (playful) hands, and can put him at the point of vulnerability.

2. Doesn't really express/verbalise his emotions very well. (by definition of being a man. hur hur)

3. Cries. 'Nuff said. Melts the girls like butter on a hot pan. Works for me, hoh yeah it does. Oh, but disclaimer : doesn't cry at just anything and nothing, but only at the appropriate intense emotional moments.

4. Can speak with impartiality and truth about his own weaknesses.

5. Can deal with his big ego, and not let it get in the way excessively.

6. Wears some sort of cologne, but not in "I'm-trying-to-get-you-to-smell-me-yes,-you-from-the-other-end-of-the-MRT-train" amounts. That would be, um, a bit much.

7. Is quietly confident about himself. Everyone has hangups, but a Real Man deals with his hangups and minimizes them.

8. If possible, looks like Ryan McKenzie from The OC. Strong, dark-features, brooding type.

9. (I know, I don't even do sports, but) Does some form of sports competitively. Because come on, it's in man's natural instinct to be competitive (against other men, more often than not).

10. Has a certain charm about him, and - I'm not even asking for fantastic or great - a personality. For so many men though, sadly, they're just lacking any personality.

Aye. So there's my 10 aspects of a Real Man. What's yours?

Oh, and remember Renee Zellweger in "Jerry Mcguire" ? Love that quote.

"I love him for the man he wants to be, and I love him for the man that he almost is."

Mmm. Well said! :)

Eva Langorious.

Living in my little busy bubble these few days, I've managed to control the panic and frustration I felt a week ago about school. I just try to do what Joycey tells me, and focus on the tasks ahead of me this week, and live it day by day.

I don't know why, but these few days I've been doing alot of thinking and self-reflection, and the Jay Chou songs I've been listening to only help feed my emo side and maybe exacerbate it. Haha. But yeah, I've been thinking about the direction I want to take in life - what my parents, for example, want for me, and what I want for myself - and about the kind of friend/student/daughter/girlfriend I am to all the people around me. Don't know what got me into this mood in the first place.

Anyhoo. I met Lyd and Ritz today in the library, and it just reminded me that it's the simple things in life that matter. It's not the grades, the first job, or any of those abstract things I've been pondering on. Seeing my friends around school and hanging with them for awhile, walking home while it is actually still bright out, having a short Pick & Bite break with Marc... things like that.

Oh god I'm getting all philosophical again, and I don't really want to, today. I just want to enjoy this feeling while it lasts.

"Take some time, just hang around awhile
I'd like to sit this silent moment out"
- Zero 7, "In Time"

It's The ...

... people.

And it feels so funny that I'll probably never meet all of them again for the rest of my life.

(okay, save for Mon, Isa and Yang)

Really makes you think about the transience of it all, all these people who pass through your life and before you know it, you're movin' on by. The moment passed, and from then on that person passes into your memory, no longer tangible.

Sure does make me feel small, and part of this huge global universe of moving people. Going places, passing faces.

Where'd this punch of nostalgia come from? Jeez.

The Proof Is In The Pudding.

I was feeling really really low after Finance class, because I felt really distressed about having so much going on this term and feeling 'not good enough' thanks to all these numbers-work that I have to do (but can't seem to do too well).

But I talked to Marc, who reminded me about the things that matter. And how first jobs are not be-all end-all. And how GPAs aren't all that important. And how if I am already giving my best (which I think I am, given variables of sanity, time, cognitive ability and energy...), then that's all I need to think about.

What happened to the old me? The one who didn't care about getting the summa cum laude. The one who believed that my worth was not necessarily reflected in the GPA, and whichever company that believed otherwise is not going to be good for me, anyway. It's scary, you know. In Year 1, I entered school with little expectations for myself. All I wanted was to enjoy school while I still could, and not focus on grades. I was happier. And now I'm eaten up over course grades and GPAs and achievements and internship applications that ask you how many times you've been a leader in school and want you to prove so badly how good you are.

Aye. It's time to be less harsh on myself. Just do the best I can, and not stress over the grade so much. I can do this.

All The Way Down

I had one of those extremely weird dreams again. All that weirdness and tension resulted in an acute pain in my right shoulder/neck that no amount of stretching can get rid of, and I hate it. I hate my frozen shoulders, and how I never ever get up without an aching shoulder/neck.

Was just looking at my sis' blog. Nice post, sis. :) Took me right back to London, and reminded me how much I miss and love it. Even though it's awesome to be home, I still can't shake that emotional tie with London and all the lovely people we got to know there (through my sis). And when I listen to Zero 7's "In Time", it just takes me back to those long bus rides from London to Bath, three hours of peace and solitude, with the English countryside gliding by, and it just makes me feel like tearing.

I just realized that I have 2 midterms next week. OMFG. Talk about falling hard on your bum, back to the land of ree-ah-lity.

Ugh. I just want the term to be over.

These Little Pieces

Ah, the weekend is finally here, and a day of nothingness feels so good. I managed to buy a beautiful wide navy belt from FEP (just don't ask how much it cost), and I'm pleaaased with it :D I hope it'll go nicely with my new dress, but I didn't bring it out shopping so I wouldn't know if it matches perfectly tho'. Oh well. It's still a nice dress :)

Joycey and me had a little hang-out time, and it was nice.

Now it's time for some poker action, and let's hope I make some good moneymoneymoney.

No-Nonsense.

I know this is going to sound so anti-social and out-of-vogue, but don't you ever get the feeling sometimes that you would much rather complete a project yourself, than depend on your group mates who've just let you down? Teamwork schmeamwork, seriously. Just ends up with you (and sometimes one other person) doing most of the work, right down to the small details, and the rest just floating through. And it's not that I don't want to delegate, but you delegate and then things still come back to you wrong, even though it's a really easy task.

Sigh. Second term feeling this way, and I'm beginning to lose faith in this team-project system. Especially when project groups are always assigned. Jeezus. I just hope work won't be this horrible.

Jay Chou feeds my emo side. Thanks XT. Haha. Love "Bai Se Feng Che", and "Qian Li Zhi Wai" the most. Fei Yu Qing is how power! At his age he looks forever-35 lor. Awesomeness.

30 minutes to my CB quiz. 30 minutes long, 90 MCQs, which works out to 20 seconds per MCQ. My CB prof is quite the CB hor. I want to complain. Not to mention, our presentation and report are due on the same day of the quiz. AND WE HAVE THREE QUIZZES/PROJECTS/PRESENTATIONS JUST FOR THIS COURSE.

Ugh. Disgusted.

I've studied what I can, and my brain obstinately refuses to take in any more information. Heck it lah, I'm as prepared as I can be. Now, just not to fumble during the presentation later. :S :S